When I was young, there were so many things I wanted to be: a doctor, a sales lady, a bank teller, a vet, and a TV broadcaster among other things. Though none of them actually worked out for me, I’ve always believed it’s because God has bigger plans. I had plans that I didn’t actually work on, and I made decisions as I went but it still went perfectly well. I ended up in a school I never thought I’d go to, I met amazing people who turned out to be friends for life, I was able to get a job in line with my college degree- a job I enjoyed immensely and where I, again, found lifelong friends. It was because of that job that I had the advantage to apply overseas, found my independence, experience new adventures, and finally, met the love of my life.
I’ve always been the type of person who was someone between going with the flow and planning things out. After being overseas for so many years (not to mention trying different jobs), I still felt as if I have no idea what I really wanted to do. To be practical, I went back to school and built a new career path for myself. Like my college degree, I liked it, stuck with it, and made new plans. I was back in that zone, finding enjoyment where I was.
Getting married at thirty was when I finally realized why I made those decisions, ended up in this place, with this person. I love being married. I love being with the best friend I met a tad later in life. He is kind, he is patient, he is generous, and he loves my family- he is everything a woman would want to be with. He is also outgoing while I am introverted. He loves the outdoors while I am a house cat. He has his faults, and so have I. We got engaged after five years of dating, got married a year later, and enjoyed blissful life of togetherness for three years before we got pregnant.
I never really saw myself as a “mommy”. I don’t like kids, you see. Not that I hate them all- I like and love the kids in my family and those of my friends. I don’t think it was in my DNA to be a nurturer, to be patient, and to want to give up my freedom. I didn’t even think that married people will be bombarded with so many questions about “having kids”. It wasn’t a foreign concept and it’s expected, I know, but I didn’t realize that it’s all people will ask you literally every time they see you.
It wasn’t easy for me to get pregnant. I found myself getting depressed and allowing people to stress me out with their questions of when we’re having kids. We eventually decided to try fertility treatment, and after a year and half of trying and crying, I got pregnant and gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
The moment I saw those two thin lines, my heart got bigger. I could never come up with the best words to explain the happiness I felt at that moment. I had instinctively touched my belly, as if protecting the precious cargo I found out I was carrying. Just thinking about it now makes me cry. At that moment was when I finally got the answer to the long-winded question of what I wanted to be when I grow up. What I studied for and what my job was stopped mattering. I didn’t realize how much my heart wanted to be a mother. I mean, I have thought about it before, but I didn’t know how happy and fulfilled I would be just giving birth to him. I am a mother. I am a mother. The very words bring absolute joy, and it’s the happiest my heart has ever been. My heart was full when I married the love of my life, but I didn’t realize it can expand to make more room for a little baby boy that God so lovingly gifted us.
I am at the early stages of being a mother, the best and hardest profession a woman will ever have. I am meant for this job. I am ready to tackle this head-on. I can read all the books about motherhood, attend all the classes being offered, watch all the how-to videos on YouTube, yet nothing and no one can really prepare you for this arduous lifelong task. This is something I will have to navigate instinctively, but I am made for this. I was born so I could love my baby. We could plan our lives to a T, or we could go with the flow, but even after whatever decisions you make (or have made), you will always end up to where you’re supposed to be. God is already a thousand steps ahead of you, He knows what is best for you. Only He knows what will make you truly happy. Only He can complete you. I could’ve easily chosen a different path, I could’ve been in a different place and time, could’ve been with different people, even- but instead, I’m right where I’m supposed to be- eating a scone and drinking milk at one o’clock in the morning, finding the only “me time” before breastfeeding my son again.